I don't know what it was about today...

...but today was the first day that I felt like I was back back from Kazakhstan -- I know in "real life" I've been back for about 4 months, but I felt like I was somewhere in a twilight...not in Kaz, not quite in America.

I also found myself thinking about Kazakhstan a lot today and about my time there -- I wish I could say that it was all bliss and wonderfully great and that I would do it all over again -- I've been telling people that I would do it over again if I relived my life (I don't think I would do it over again at 26, but at 23...well, perhaps...?), I think I've been lying. Earlier today I thought maybe I got more than I gave (maybe that's still true), but I can't think of one thing I got from Kazakhstan. Maybe I'm still bitter...

Then I thought maybe you get out of Peace Corps what you put into it -- maybe that's true -- maybe I didn't put in a very good effort -- today I was looking at photos of kids from the local orphanage in my town and felt like I had failed them -- like maybe I could have done more for them and I didn't -- I still feel that way most of the time, there's always something more I could have been doing and wasn't or could have improved on (after all in everything there's always room for improvement).

It certainly didn't feel like two years when it was all over -- sometimes I still can't believe that I was in Peace Corps for two years -- sometimes I don't talk about Peace Corps because I feel like I failed at it --

My changed friendships is the only way I know I was there -- two years apart from friends is long enough to drop a friend -- I feel dropped. I wish that in place of that I could say that I gained more friends in Peace Corps and I thought that was true, but we all live very different lives and maybe it's not as true as I thought it would be in my head...I had higher expectations than what reality can actually be...I get it -- I just hate tough realizations --

I feel pretty accomplished most days -- in 4 months I got a car, a job and an apartment, celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, hung out in Michigan, moved to Minnesota, hung out with my family, loved my family better <-- all these are good things -- I could have done ALL of these things while not missing out on two years life in America. I don't know if Peace Corps was worth it -- maybe someday I'll see it's significance, but apparently not today.

**I do think that Peace Corps is a good organization doing good things in countries around the world. I think many Volunteers are doing world changing things - I just wasn't one of them :/